Saturday, October 31, 2009

"Living" On The Cheap As A Zombie

As more and more people lose their jobs (and 6 months later their unemployment benefits), many of them are turning to zombification to save money and/or pay the bills. Zombification is quite simply the process of turning into one's self into a zombie. At first I found this trend towards a rotting unlife to pay the bills bizarre, but it turns out being a zombie has a lot of advantages.

First, no one expects zombies to be presentable. The amount of money one can spend on clothing, laundry, and dry cleaning is ridiculous. $5 to dry clean a shirt? Ha! When one becomes a vampire like Count Dracula, you have to dress like royalty all the time. Not cheap. As a zombie, you no longer need to worry about having quarters for the laundromat or sniffing dirty laundry to see if it's "clean". Bye bye business casual and hello Zombie Snuggie! Just throw on any ol' thing and shuffle out the front door.

Speaking of front door, you don't need one. As a member of the unliving, you no longer need to live anywhere. You can mosey on over to your nearest graveyard and mumble "Brainnnzzz" to your rotting heart's content. Here's the best part. Instead of paying rent, the cemetaries will pay you! It turns out all of that shedding of rotting flesh, oozing of unspeakable fluids, and random body parts falling off all act as great fertilizer for those pristine graveyard lawns. I heard Forest Lawn pays a single zombie as much as $300/month to walk around at night (but I haven't confirmed this).

Getting a job as a movie extra in a horror flick is easy. With Hollywood movie budgets ballooning faster than waists at an all-you-can-eat buffet, the film studios are looking to save a buck wherever they can. Enter zombie extras. Zomebie makeup? Don't need it! Around the clock schedules? Don't sleep! Health insurance? Already dead! Being a zombie extra isn't without it's risks though. It's been rumored that working with zombie extras have been so productive and reduced costs so much, zombies are starting to be targeted for hate crimes from actors who portray mummies, vampires, humanoid monsters from dark colored lagoons, and out of work computer animators who used to create virtual zombies.

Zombie dating is cheap, too. Zombies only eat stolen brains (no bills eating out), they don't (as previously mentioned) need to dress up, and no one cares about how you look. Perhaps the best part about being a zombie is the dating becomes much easier from the lack of gender. When your bits and pieces have fallen off, it's hard to tell what you were. Chances are your brain will have become so mushy you won't even remember if you were a lady or a gent. No gender means everyone is fair game! See that cutie in the corner? You can't even tell if it's married (no ring finger)! Hey, look at that gorgeous hunk across the way. I'm pretty sure it was eying you before a crow plucked out its only remaining eyeball.


  1. "Real Jobs. Real Advice. No Nonsense."

    Really? I'd say this qualifies as nonsense.