Monday, October 5, 2009

FAKE NEWS: Unemployment Checks Cause Laziness

What I'd write if I worked at The Onion.


Washington D.C.-The Food and Drug Administration dropped a bombshell on the American public today when it was announced that unemployment checks have been discovered to contain high levels of the barbiturate unambitioutal. Economists have been studying the sociological effects of unemployment benefits for years and had generally concluded that the beneficiaries would always display some lack of motivation to find a "real job", but no one has expected that sedative laden checks themselves might be a major cause of sedentary behavior.

In the early 1980s, unambitioutal was developed by the Japanese government to help prevent over productive factory workers from manufacturing themselves to death. Unambtioutal was never approved for approved for prescription use because it also tends to cause unhealthy weight gain. Given that a Japanese drug never approved for mass production has ended up in the ink that coat American unemployment checks, relations between Washington D.C. and Tokyo have been given a black eye. A joint investigation is underway.

More details will be reported as this bizarre story unfolds.

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