Monday, September 7, 2009

FAKE NEWS: America's Worker Goes On Strike

What I'd write if I worked at The Onion.

DETROIT-An ominous cloud hangs over Labor Day celebrations everywhere. Felix Manning, a convenience store clerk and America's last employed person, has gone on strike. Experts are preparing for the worst as America's unemployment rate threatens to hit triple digits for the first time.

It all started when Mr. Manning realized he was the remaining employee at Always Open 4U. Mr. Manning, who typically works the graveyard shift, dutifully held his post for 3 straight days in an effort to keep the 24x7 store from closing it's doors. After 89 hours on the job Mr. Manning, having consumed the store's entire supply of Vivarin and NoDoz, succumbed to fatigue and went home to take a nap.

"I got a call from the owner when he started receiving complaints that hoodlums were ransacking Always Open 4U's liquor section," said Mr. Manning in an interview earlier today. "When he asked why I didn't stay at work, I explained how I'd popped all of the anti-sleeping pills and avoided the Mt. Dew and coffee because there was no way to take a bathroom break without a replacement to mind the store. He understood my pain, but called me lazy and said there was no excuse for abandoning my post."

When Mr. Manning found out that he also wouldn't be paid for unauthorized overtime, he decided to go on strike. At first he tried calling his union representative, but the rep was no longer employed. Instead Mr. Manning filled out a feedback card citing the horrible working conditions and inserted it in Always Open 4U's comment box, but he doesn't expect the owner to read the complaint or take it seriously.

In an effort to placate Mr. Manning and keep America's unemployment rate from rising above 99.99999967%, the United States Congress is pushing through a bill to drop the 'S' from the word 'Laborers' in official description of Labor Day. Mr. Manning said he was flattered, but he wasn't sure that would be enough to get him off the picket line.

When asked why the US Congress didn't count as laborers themselves, an anonymous Congresswoman said, "We don't do anything, so the Department of Labor refuses to include us in official employment statistics."

No comments:

Post a Comment